drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
