So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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