I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
