remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
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Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
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he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.