I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.