i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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