I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
