having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
