The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
