Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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