I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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