it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
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Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
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Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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