walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
