I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
