Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
