im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
