i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
