she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
