So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
