My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
