Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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