I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
