You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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