I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
