My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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