She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
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I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
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