I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
