you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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