I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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