I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
