you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
