You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
