Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
