Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
