its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
