I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
