You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
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The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
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Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
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