I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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