first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
