i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
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Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
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I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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