I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
