from now on my penis is your penis
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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