I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
