every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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