Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Randomize
