Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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