i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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