it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
