i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
