he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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