plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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