I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
