all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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