U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
