Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize