Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
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Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
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I think I accidentally invented a religion.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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