when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
