He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
