i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
